I don’t know what will motivate me to start working hard again but I’m just not in the mood for everything and that includes coming on time for my office job. I was one-hour late every single day for the entire month of September and certainly, a memorandum awaits me come first week of October. Either a written reprimand or a two-week suspension from the HR. Funny is that I’m not worried. Not at all.

My friend told me I should be thankful the big bosses are not firing me yet because if I were working in their company, I would have been kicked out from my job a long time ago. Or they would have humiliated me in public like maybe shout at me in front of my officemates? Okay. I don’t feel anything about them not terminating me but I do feel blessed that my boss never yelled at me for being tardy.

We talked about it a couple of times already, casually. But I don’t want to elaborate on that. I just want to establish the fact that she, as my immediate superior, already did her part by encouraging me to come on time because higher merit increase will be given to me if I’d improve on that aspect. Sadly, I do not intend to properly behave soon. I must be giving everybody the impression that I’m a conceited person. Or stubborn. Whichever.

It’s not. Of course I have a very high respect for my boss and I do want to show her that I’m seriously taking her advice. But it’s not about her. You see, it’s about me. It’s about me just being irresponsible and care-free. It’s my fault. Only mine. I wish I could tender my resignation on Monday but I still need this job which is hurting my pride even more. Have you ever experienced something as painful as this?

For me this is the ultimate torture: to stay in a job even if I am no longer happy. Again, this is not their fault but mine and nobody else’s. They’d been generally nice to me and so far, I would say that I didn’t do anything bad to them too. So, quits. Hehe.

Why am I discontented? Well, because this job will never enable me to afford the lifestyle I so want. I want to travel and visit places and as a regular wager, that dream is close to impossible unless I won a jackpot prize in lotto. Or, if I made it big in freelancing.

Blah blah blah.

I made a promise to myself not to write too personal things in my blogs but hell, nobody’s really reading my journals so I should be safe.  Speaking of freelancing, I am utterly discouraged with this whole freelance writing thing. I swear I wouldn’t write anything for the month of October. I need a rest. They want a robot or a machine, not a human.

Truth is, I feel so small for writing this post. I hope my bosses will never have the chance to read this. I’m using a pen name but they might have a hint that it’s me so I’m a bit paranoid. I wouldn’t have the courage to face them again forever in case they’d read this crap. This is crazy. I don’t even know why I’m sharing this. Perhaps for therapy.  I wish I could talk to someone about my thoughts but I already know what they’re going to tell me so never mind. That is “it’s your fault.” LOL

Yeah. Everything. Is. Simply. My. Fault.